what happens when i don't feel like using photoshop

So, here's a favorite thing about the Internet: I can take this awesome photo of me with an ex, and cover his face with a cat! And I can post it and I know people will laugh at it. And that's really kinda cool. Because really, who wouldn't love to be making a cocktail for a giant cat in a nice suit?



There's also zero malice behind replacing the exes face with a cat. We're no longer together, haven't been in years, and i'm in all ways over it. I just adore this photo of myself, and after coming across it late last night, I had to do this. And yes, I laid in bed with my iPad and my cat, making this photo, and giggling. I hate photos where someone is just obviously cropped out. This is more fun. And i'm all about fun!

I've also decided on a name change for this blog. Expect more soonish.

Nineties nostalgia turns to internet shenanigans

I got a text from B this morning saying "we should write a 90210 episode about the dangers of texting and driving. We could kill off [Scott] again". I giggled all the way to work, and upon my arrival, I created this:

Which has now turned in to "how many ways can we kill Scott Scanlon". But the deaths have to be teen-danger related. Here's another, showcasing the dangers of smoking crystal meth:

And who can forget 4Loko? I know I can. The only time(s) I ever drank it, I blacked out.

In addition to doing these, i've also been working on a The Quotable Marilyn Monroe with a few of my funny friends. Are the quotes actually hers? That's up to you to decide.

Today, in stupid headlines:

Yahoo seems to be my favorite source for stupid headlines. Here's today's:

Umm, my immediate answer to this would be nothing. And i'm not saying this because he's a new country artist, and I hate new country more than any genre of music ever. My reasoning is this: he's a married dude who got caught, thanks to social media and being sloppy. People cheat all the time, and we aren't always forced to read about it.

I've been cheated on, and i've been the other woman (insert Saved by the Bell "oooooooooooo" track here). And at no time (other than now, to prove a point) has it been reported on on the internet. It sucks, it hurts people, and it's stupid. But there's really no "need to know", ever.

My biggest question, though, is who are these people who feel like they need to know these things? Like, do they want a powerpoint presentation* on the incident? Are these the same people who watch shows like The Bachelor and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo?

As a society, we've become culture vultures. When a celebrity fucks up, we want all the details. But why? Is it so we have a person to relate to? Is it because we love watching people fail? Is it just because social media has made us all really nosy?


*trick question-everybody hates powerpoint presentations!

The Dreamiest Man Alive: Zach Galifianakis

My love of Zach Galifianakis goes back to before he was acting, and he was just doing comedy. He's everything I like in a comedian: chubby, clever, talented, and really really weird. And that beard! Oh, the beard.

His character on Bored to Death was my dream man, incarnate: a lovable loser who is a comic book artist, and spends a lot of time hanging out and smoking pot with his friends? yes please. He can bring his backpack and live with me forever and ever. Or you know, at least until I get tired of his shit. I'm still mad that HBO cancelled Bored to Death.

I don't really love all of the movies that he's done, though. I'd say my favorite so far has been Visioneers. And I love him on Tim And Eric as Tairy Greene.

I have a theory, though: I like to call it the "cute dog maneuver". When he is putting out a movie that has the potential to be terrible, he asks the director if he can put an adorable squishy faced dog in it as his sidekick, because chubby weirdo girls from the internet love squishy faced dogs (fact: i have my pug, Polly, tattooed on my arm).

When we went to see Due Date, my friend brought a can of 4Loko. I had never drank that shit before in my life, but who am I to turn down alcohol, right? So we shared two cans. I honestly don't remember much about the movie, other than the fact that every single time the adorable French Bulldog came on screen, i'd go ga-ga over it and the disenfranchised teenaged boys in front of me would get really mad.

The Campaign has potential to be good. I like Will Ferrell, and the trailers look good. But even if it sucks? He has TWO PUGS in this movie. Guess who else has two pugs? Meet my little muffins, Mister Leto Burrito and Polly.

My summer, in pictures.

I'm pretty sure i've stated somewhere on my blog that I am, in fact, the world's worst blogger. I suffer from ADD, and getting medication for it is nearly impossible, so i'm largely unmedicated. Pair this with the fact that if i'm happy, or just enjoying myself...you'll never see a blog post from me. So i'll try and get you caught up.

I honestly haven't had a summer this fun in a long time. I credit a lot of it to my crew--my sister, Joy and my coworker (and favorite person ever) Megan are the steady members; my brother and my sister's friend have tagged along with us on some of our adventures. All I have to say is "hey, let's do (x)", and I can count on Joy and Megan to say "ok!", and then we start planning.

Our first trip was to see Childish Gambino at House of Blues in Cleveland. We opted for a hotel room, because a nice hotel room in downtown Cleveland is MUCH cheaper than a DUI. It's also much cheaper to drink/smoke in your room before going to the show, so that's exactly what we did.

It also just so happened that beautiful metal fan and twitter beast Rob Delaney was doing a late show at the Grog Shop, so Megan and I jumped in a cab with our friend and went across town to see Rob Delaney. He told jokes about buttholes, and we laughed and laughed. After the show, we met him and got a picture with him. He probably smelled nice; i'm sure I smelled like a brewery.

So, yeah, the Gambino gig was awesome. BUT sometimes, kids, adults party a bit too hard and have a hard time remembering the show. So, what do we do? We take out our credit cards and go see the same show in Pittsburgh the following Monday. This time it was just Joy and I, rolling out on our second roadtrip of the summer. B dubbed it our "2012 Rustbelt Tour". How can i disagree with that?

If you ever get the chance to see Childish Gambino live, you should go. He is absolutely insane on the mic. Camp has been the soundtrack to this summer, so it's appropriate that we saw him twice.

Up next was my brother's birthday. We ended up going to Funny Stop. I had never been to this club, but if any of you have been following along, i've been to a ton of comedy shows this year. Joy got free passes, so we ended up at Funny Stop. My spiritual sister and glittery wonderful other half, Danielle came down from Cleveland to go with us, which is always a good time. The headliner was Ray Devito, who was not only absolutely cute and wearing a Weezer tee, but he was hilarious as well. I somehow ended up sitting right up front, so he kept making comments about my boobs and my tattoos. Danielle and I ambushed him for a picture, to which he obliged, and I love this picture:

While the show was a lot of fun, I much prefer going to Chucklefck shows. Their venues are much less sad songs at the VFW hall. More on Chucklefck towards the end.

And then, another out of town show. I headed to Detroit with B and my friends Sean and Mike to see Tenacious D. The venue was packed, hot, and awful. I ended up watching the show from the balcony, but Mike was much closer (so i borrowed this picture from him)

Hotel Party Part Two: Megan loves this local radio guy, Rover. And every year, he does this big show where most of the bands are terrible, but there's lots of beer. So I told her i'd go with her. through lots of people backing out, my brother and sister ended up going. So we drank. I ran out of hands for beer, so I used my mouth to carry things:

So, the big act of the day? VANILLA ICE. Yeah, him. Did you know he's a Juggalo now?
Yeah. I think in this picture, he's stopping, collaborating, listening

And we continued to party all day, through shitty acts and terrible people in the crowd.

The night before Roverfest, we went to Kent for a comedy show. My sister's friend, Ben Palmer was in town for a wedding or something, and he ended up doing a show at Stone Tavern.

Tomorrow (well, later today), I'm headed to Detroit again to see Refused. I'm nervous that something is going to go wrong, because I had to miss them in April due to some errors in judgment on my part. But that's what I get for trusting the wrong people, I guess. We have tickets to two comedy shows next week.

On top of all the fun, i've also spent a minimum of 5 days per week, 2 hours per day, in the gym. I feel fantastic, which is awesome, considering where I was in May.

Overall, things for me are good. I had a rocky start to the year, but this summer has been incredible. I feel like for once in my life, I have a stable group of people, who I can count on to hang out and go places with. For once, I'm not being told that I can't go out and do things. If i want to go, I go. And I love having that freedom. We're gonna build something this summer.

Chicago Never Dissappoints:

So I went to Chicago and got to watch my favorite rock persona ever read a passage from a book that "tied the set together". but really, it is the kind of thinking that is fueling my life these days. treat yourself with the kindness that you treat your closest friends and loved ones with. you know, NO BIG DEAL.

Seriously, dudes, my weekend in Chicago couldn't have been more perfect. I took in two of Craig Finn's solo shows. I ate a ton of food and didn't gain a pound! We walked so much that it made up for our weekend away from the gym. I rode the ferris wheel and didn't die!

But right now, seriously, the book reading was a face melting and heart exploding experience. If you watch to the end of this video, he re-reads the passage.




Why is it that this guy, whom I don't really know other than lyrically (and now through a couple of meetings at shows), seems to crawl into those same dusty spaces in the brain and just pull out these beautiful gems? i'm constantly in awe of him.

My next gig is Childish Gambino on the 16th.

Short reviews of other shit i've been to and have pictures of: WWE Raw Supershow

I figure if the writing bug has hit, keep going. I mean, I slept on and off all day today. I'm doing work from home, and I can write, too!

I have a ton of pictures on my camera of things i've gone to recently, but haven't written about. I'll catch you up.

My sister texted me one day at work, and all it said was "lmao, i have tickets for WWE Raw tonight". To which I immediately responded "we're going!" Our seats were ringside, and we didn't pay a dime for them. I was hoping to run into my friend Mike, the mastermind behind Where's Randy Savage?; alas, I couldn't find his blue shirt in the sea of other blue shirts on that side of the arena. Never fear, we're going to some shows together this summer. You'll hear all about him some other time.

Wrestling always reminds me of a few things: first of all, my friend Marilyn. I remember hanging out with her one night in Jersey, watching ECW with some of our other old friends. She was the first girl I had ever met who was a huge wrestling fan. I was more of a fan in the 80's, during the times of Macho Man, Hulk Hogan (before he was doing Rent-A-Center commercials where his hair looks like it's stapled to his bandana), and Mean Gene announcing.

I also have a friend who is currently a wrestler. There's something amazingly hot about a guy who puts on corpse paint and a rad death metal shirt, jumps into character, and transforms into his wrestling alter ego on the weekends. I remember the first time I saw photos of him in wrestling mode, my stomach got a little swoony. Man, I love guys who are performers. They're never the correct choice--mom is always right, never sleep with a musician! But i've tried musicians, artists, wrestlers, even comedians. I like to learn the hard way. But I digress.

Wrestling is scripted. But there's something magic about seeing it live. Wrestling fans are passionate, and I get it after going to a show. First of all, we were at a Raw Supershow that was being televised. There was a lot of shit going on. Fire and shit, dudes!

The Miz is a wrestler. I will always and forever think of him as Mike from The Real World. Therefore, I can't take him seriously as a wrestler. I'm waiting for him to start fighting with one of his roommates. Luckily he wrestled CM Punk, who is also not impressed with him, and he whooped him.

They were also setting up storylines for Wrestlemania. So this meant that both John "wrasslin' jorts" Cena AND The Rock were in the house! So all night, The Rock and Cena were going back and forth about each other. It was the wrestling equivalent of ya mama jokes, really. Totally lame. At one point, the Rock was talking about how Cena looks, and this came up on the giant screens behind us:

Funny, right? Meh. I think The Rock is terrifying in person, so I made my own picture about it:

Girl from the internet wins, dudes.

It was so fun to go to a live show, even if most of it was hurry up and wait. And we watched a ton of commercials, too. But my sister and I tend to have fun no matter where we end up, and this evening was no exception. She and I should really have our own show on the Travel channel.